Take a look in the mirror

This is all about understanding how your personal beliefs – both positive and negative – influence your child.

Many parents think that they have very little influence on what their child thinks and does – especially in the teenage years. I know that my own daughter is about as different from me as it’s possible to be, but I do know that I’ve influenced her in many subtle ways. I have certain beliefs about school, teachers, work, exams, personal potential, and more. Some of these have certainly rubbed off on her. Naturally she has picked up beliefs from many other sources as well.

The important point here is that your children will pick up on your attitudes, often unconsciously, and they will help to shape their characters. For example, if you hated maths at school, you may pass this attitude on to your child without being fully aware of it. If you had bad teachers, your attitude may re-enforce any negative thoughts your child has about their teachers. If you have poor self-esteem with regard to your education, there is a chance that your child will be influenced.

My suggestions:

• Think carefully about the beliefs you have that are relevant to your child – especially about school, learning, exams, confidence and self-esteem.
• Decide whether your beliefs are helpful or unhelpful.
• Communicate your positive beliefs and hold back on the negative ones.
• Be a positive influence on your child’s self-esteem.

Your beliefs

Here are some ideas to get you thinking:

When you were at school, were there subjects that you really disliked? Do you think that those subjects are hard, or boring? Sharing these thoughts can confirm a teenager’s own negative attitudes towards a subject.

If you found particular subjects interesting, then share that interest. Maybe your child hadn’t considered that aspect of the subject. For example, “I liked physics because I was really interested in TV and radio and I wanted to learn how they worked.” Don’t forget that the biggest reason for not liking a subject is not getting on with the teacher.

What was your overall experience at school? If your child enjoys school, are you able to empathise? If they don’t like school, are you able to suggest good points? Of course, school today is not the same as it was twenty or thirty years ago! Tell your child what it was like and how you coped.

What is your attitude towards teachers? Normal human beings doing their best in a demanding job? Or generally not doing the best they could?

What is your immediate reaction when you hear the word ‘homework’? Some parents think that homework is a bad thing and that their child should be able to switch off at home, just at they do after work. Do you agree? Do you think there should be more homework? Or less? Is it possible that, if you think there should be less, you will be less inclined to encourage them to get their work done on time and to a good standard?

Getting top grades. Some parents say that it’s not worth getting stressed about getting top grades because whatever happens, their child is going to be ‘all right’. Some say that if they don’t pull their finger out now, their options will be fewer in the future and they’ll regret it. How about you?

Action

Make a list of as many positive and negative thoughts and beliefs that you can. Focus on those that relate to school, learning and self-esteem.

Discuss them with your child and find out what their beliefs are.

Read the article on negative beliefs. It will give you ideas on how to identify and turn around negative beliefs.